Journey of Self Discovery

Rough

2009-11-17T14:55:00.002-06:00

It's been a rough few days to say the least. In fact, I think that might be the understatement of the century. Mark went to MN for a few days and I was nervous about this trip for a couple of reasons. Well, just like I had anticipated it was FULL of drama. My ex threw his games into the mix by calling his ex and informing her of all kinds of mistakes I have made over the past years. Some things were true and some things were complete lies. The thing he doesn't understand is that Mark and I are TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY honest with each other. Mark knows absolutely every mistake I've made, in fact, he knows things NOBODY else on the face of the earth knows. We made a promise to each other in the beginning that it would always be this way and because of that our relationship keeps growing in a great way. So, when my ex said all of this stuff, at least about the true things Mark's response was "I already am aware of this" well, that just pissed him off even more and so I believe that's why the lies came in. What my ex didn't count on is the fact that when Mark talked to him he knew he was drunk and the things he was saying did not add up at all. SO, Mark and I are SOLID even though he tried his hardest to cause problems between the two of us. This isn't some fly by the night relationship, this is a lifelong one and they can't seem to understand that. OH WELL FOR THEM! It's just so hurtful. I do not and will not ever understand why after this long of being apart and divorced he insists on causing pain and trouble. I do not ever do it to him. He has a girlfriend and I am happy for him! I want him to be happy and have a great life, one that I couldn't give him but all of these actions say to me that he is not happy. I mean, if you have to keep telling someone "I'm so happy, happier than I have ever been" and "I got a new badass phone, and I'm looking at a new car, and I got all this new stuff for my house and So and SO is throwing herself at me" That is NOT happiness right??? Yeah, I don't think so! Well, I guess I just needed to vent. I honestly do not wish him ANY harm whatsoever I want him to just lay off my life and live his and let me live mine! I'm doing the best I can!!!!

SO MANY NEW ADVENTURES!

2009-11-04T21:53:00.002-06:00

Well, who ever said life is dull? NOT ME! Business at the shop has been slow...well, that's not actually true. There is a lot of business, but no money! We haven't been able to figure out why this is. Mark is putting in 17 hour days 6 days a week and sometimes even Sundays yet no paycheck for 3 months! Yeah, the economy isn't great, but it just hasn't been adding up. So, we have spent many nights *late nights* sitting outside putting our heads together trying to figure out what is wrong. His business partner is in charge of all of the finances and it has been a complete mess! So, last night we were sitting outside talking and I told Mark that I just felt like the answer was right in front of us but I just couldn't grasp it! We sat there quiet for a little while and then we decided to pray. I prayed that God would lead both of us in the right direction and show us what His plan is for our lives. Mark has been miserable and let me tell you, it is NO fun watching him hurt like this! A little while later, he was talking about one of his guys that gave his notice earlier this week. Jim takes care of all the mobile accounts and call ins for breakdowns. It was like a lightbulb went off! I looked at Mark and yelled "that's it!!!!" He kind of looked at me like I was crazy and then he understood! That's what I love about us, we hardly ever have to say anything, we just know what the other is thinking! So, there it is. He is going to leave the business and go "back to basics" we will start up our own business and Mark will strictly be mobile! Almost NO overhead whatsoever! It's such a perfect solution! He will keep all of his fleet accounts and service them on site just as Jim does now and then a good portion of his client base will follow him. Probably 80%. I will take care of all of the scheduling etc and be his "runner" for parts, oil etc. We are so excited about this venture! He still has to give the news to his business partner, but it will all be fine. The shop cannot sustain the two of them and Mark really just wants out from under it. This will still give him the opportunity to be his own boss and take the time off he needs in order to see the kids. It's a great deal!! This is SHORT term though. By spring we will be moving and we have HUGE plans that we have been talking and praying about A LOT! These plans are even more exciting and I cannot wait!!! I can't say what it is yet, but part of it is a lifelong dream of mine!!! The other part of it was something he came up with and we're throwing them into the mixing bowl together! We will most likely step on a few toes *ten to be exact, ten that belong on two feet* by going into business together, but it doesn't matter! We work so amazingly well together and are confident that both ventures will be highly successful!!!

GAMES

2009-10-20T21:35:00.002-05:00

Can I just say I am SO TOTALLY OVER THEM???? How is it that I have worked my backside off the past year to change and turn my life around, live every day for Him and all of this havoc is thrown into my life? I have this happy life here with Mark. When it's just the two of us things are so calm, peaceful and loving. Of course, we miss our kids EVERY SINGLE DAY, there isn't a day that passes that we don't talk about them, look at pictures etc. but the fact is we are not able to be with them right now. But, throw our ex's into the mix and and *pardon my french* ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE! I mean seriously, they cycle together! If one is nice, the other will be nice, but the second that one of them goes off the deep end, we can predict almost to the second when the other one will go off....it's like a ticking time bomb! So today I talked to MY ex and he went off about Thanksgiving. He said I could come see the kids for ONE day, the day after Thanksgiving, but I have to come alone to HIS house and he will be there! Now, nowhere in our divorce papers does it say that I am to be supervised, he pulled this out of the same place he thinks he can pull a rabbit out of! And then he said Mark is NOT allowed to be around them but can't give me a reason why. He has known Mark for 13 years and knows he is a great man, in fact, he knows this so much that when he figured out Mark and I were going to start our relationship his response was "Mark's a good guy, I have nothing against him. At least I know he will treat the kids right" But now, all of the sudden since he knows I'm so happy he is SO mad! So, it doesn't matter that the boys ask about Mark all of the time or that they asked for him to come with me for Thanksgiving. It's just all about what HE wants! Why is he able to STILL make all of the calls in life???? Uggghhhhh.....back to my knees I guess!

Blessed

2009-10-09T03:25:00.002-05:00

As I'm writing this blog, I am sitting in the passengers seat of a very full Suburban. There are 7 of us to be exact and Mark is driving. We are headed to San Diego for a long weekend with some of our neighbors! The car is not just full of luggage but also laughter and friendship. I was sittig here a little while ago thinking how blessed I am. I am blessed in so many ways but tonight I was thinking of one reason....I am blessed ecause these people I am with on this adventure have taken me in as if try have known me for years. They love Marj very much and at first were very skeptical of me but it didn't take ling at all for them to warm up to me and we have become fast friends. I truly feel like I belong for the first time in my whole life and it is such a refreshing feeling! All of the crap with Marks ex is working itself out, we know we love each other and we are Determine to live a happy and healthy life together, one that neither one of us has had before. I had a conversation today with a good friend, Sam, he is a youth minister in Alabama and he came to the hospital within minutes of me callin him n the day Bill got sick and stayed until very late that night. He caled me and told me what blessing I have been in his life...that is really such a great thing to hear from someone, I'm definiteley going to tell people that more often! Then we started talking an he asked me if a year ago I would have eer though my life woul be where t is today. I laughed an said "are you kidding? I would have never thought it even 6 months ago!". I told him that some days I just can't get over how amazing life is now. He reminded me about Gods perfect will for my life...that's right, He does have a perfect will for me! I am going to continue to live for Him and seek His plan for my life! Blessed beyond measure for sure! This is finally my life! I am sitting here next to the man that I love with all of my heart and wwho loves me with all of his....and he has been my best friend for 13 years, that's what even more amazing! Yes, God has shown me favor and I am forever thankful for that!

Does this ever stop?

2009-10-06T22:34:00.002-05:00

I miss Bill. I keep thinking it's going to get easier but it hasn't so far. When will it? Ever? Everytime I turn around something reminds me of him....in the past 4 days I have heard the song Finally Home 12 times! Is it him trying to say something to me? I just don't know. All I do know is that I miss him so very much and right now I sure could use his advice. I love Mark and I know he loves me too but this whole situation with his ex wife is spinning out of control and fast! She is in one of her "nice" moods this week and that's a very bad thing for the two of us. When she gets like this it makes Mark forget all of the crazy things she does the rest of the time for some strange reason! I have been at home today listening to praise music and cleaning. It's given me much time to think and pray about things. I promised myself when I got clean that I would always trust my gut. Well, I really don't want to trust my gut this time. Did he get into a relationship too soon with me? I asked him this point blank in the beginning and he assured me he wanted this and was ready......today, I am not so sure. I decided this afternoon to give the whole situation over to God. He opened the doors for me to move here and opened the door for the relationship between me and Mark so He must have a plan right? It's in His hands and I am trusting Him. I truly do not believe that He would have made the way for all of these things if He didn't intend for the two of us to build a life together. It hurts though, feeling like I'm second string sometimes....and at times feeling like I'm the "other woman" even though I am not! Ugghhhh......please keep this whole situation in your daily prayers! Thanks!!!!

Thank Goodness it's Monday!

2009-09-28T11:48:00.003-05:00

I never thought I'd be so thankful to have the weekend be over! Weekends are usually so much fun around our house...well, usually we aren't even in town! But, this past weekend we had a car show, that was fun, but Rene was STILL in town! SO, on Friady, she needed a place to stay and a car to drive, she told Mark she had gotten into a fight with her boyfriend...yeah, the one that lives 3 doors down! So, we allowed her to have the truck and stay on the houseboat. Well, Friday night about 10:30 she called Mark while we were at the show...she was insisting that the Marina had been MOVED!!!! She said she was lost and told him she needed him to come show her where it was...and told him to come ALONE! Well, I've sat back and not said anything for a long time, but this time I told him I was going with. He agreed, said he didn't want to go alone. So we jumped in the Camero and drove to the lake. On the way there I looked at him and said "Mark, you do realize that she IS NOT lost right?" He assured me she was lost otherwise there would be no reason for her to call. I said ok but then I told him, "mark my words, when we get there, she will be at the right spot, she will see me in the car and it will be a big fight" He thought I was crazy! So, we pulled up, she flashed the truck lights at him and we pulled in front of her...OH AND BY THE WAY, SHE WAS AT THE MARINA ABOUT 15 FEET FROM THE DOCK TO WHERE THE BOAT IS!!! Mark got out to meet her at the truck and she started screaming and freaking out because I was with him. She told Mark to drop me off somewhere and come back to the boat with her! Mark told her he did not come there to stay on the boat with her, he came there to make sure she was safe and then he said "I guess you weren't really lost at all" So he got in the car and we went home. She text until 2 am and all she kept saying was "leave the b**** at home and come here!" Mark finally just took the battery out of his phone! It didn't stop there, on Saturday she was all nice again and thanking him for allowing her to use the truck and boat. Then on Sunday she insisted on meeting him for dinner to "talk about the kids" he went, and of course, none of it was about the kiddos, it was all about how he needs to put me out of his life so they can be a family again! FYI...she's the one who wanted the divorce. When he told her that would never happen she lost it and he left. She goes home to MN today!! So I am so HAPPY!!! What a week this has been! Please keep this whole situation in your prayers!

An unexpected Visitor

2009-09-24T11:43:00.002-05:00

Well, Mark and I left last Friday and went to Arizona to camp. We went to a place in the mountains called Oak Creek Canyon just outside of Flagstaff, not far from Sedona where his dad and step mom live. We picked out a little spot where nobody else was, it was so nice! Mark loves to build camp fires, but insisted on doing it the real way...we searched the woods for wood and spent hours going back and forth to the camp fire until the flames were about 7 feet tall! We roasted hot dogs and made smores...he eats his without chocolate...weird!!! We stayed up on Saturday night until about 4 am talking. I just love our talks, they are so open and honest, it's quite amazing. Now, Mark is SUPER into 4 wheeling and dirt bikes, we have 2 dirt bikes and a 4 wheeler. So, we brought the quad along as well as 1 dirtbike...I was pretty nervous about it, but I was determined I was going to ride! So, Sunday morning we got up and went riding...Mark gave me a short lesson on how to operate this piece of equipment! We were going to ride up to the gas station about 3 miles up the road and get coffee. Well, I made it about a mile and then I hit a rock in the middle of the road, lost control of the 4 wheeler and ran down a ditch! All of the sudden about 15 feet in front of my face was a LARGE tree. I was screaming and Mark had turned around on his bike and was headed for me, I remembered he told me to hit the kill switch if I got in any trouble so I quickly did this! He got to me and I was shaking and crying...I told him I was DONE...just for the day. So that was it for me! Then, we packed up and drove to Sedona, about 45 min. away to his parents house. WOW! What a beautiful part of our country! We visited with his step mom, Heidi for a couple of hours at their beautiful house, Mark's dad Tommy was playing in a golf tournament, then we were off to make the 4 hour journey back home. But first, we stopped at the cemetary where his mom is. It was really emotional for him, but I am so glad he stopped there. We arrived back home around 10pm, unloaded the truck and hit the bed. On Monday morning, we both got up and got ready for work, I was going in late because I had to pick up some things for our new office. I didn't leave until about 8:25. On my way to work, Mark called me and told me that Rene was in town, she had just text him and wanted to know when she could come pick up the 4 wheeler! BY the way, it's Mark's not hers, he got it in the divorce...but SHE WANTS IT! Well, I got to work about 9:15 and my neighbor Donna called me. She told me that she had already called Mark and that our garage door was now open! Mark went and checked everything out, the back door was open too...but it was all ok. So, here begins our week! She has proceeded to cause so much trouble. She's staying 3 doors down at the guys house who she had an affair with for the last 5 months she lived in Vegas. HE is a nasty toothless unemployed pot smoker! What a life! She met with Mark to "talk about the kids" it was all just a cover and all she wanted to do was screw with his head. It worked! She is engaged, "happy" right! But she told Mark she is moving back here but won't do it until I'm out of the state. Mark told her that would never be happening, so it's been a big struggle all week. Now she has extended her trip for who knows how long! So...last night we packed up and went out and stayed on the houseboat just to get away! Ugghhh what a week! We have a big car show this weekend and next weekend we are leaving Friday afternoon and heading to Lake Powell to spend the weekend with Tommy and Heidi! Can't wait!!!

The Perfect Sunday

2009-09-14T16:03:00.002-05:00

Mark arrived home on Friday night from Minnesota. It was so hard for him to leave the kids, but he was completely ready to come home! Rene spent most of the time causing a whole lot of drama for him. To start it all off, he got on the plane in Vegas only to turn around and see a man sitting behind him. He said he had to do a double take to make sure, but yes, it was "that man" a man who lives 3 houses down from us and had an affair with Rene. Mark asked him what he was doing and he replied with "the same thing you are I guess" Mark quickly responded with a "no, I'm going to spend a week with my kids, I think you're going to spend it with my ex wife" Sounds like something out of a Lifetime movie huh? So, that was a pretty good indication of how the week was going to go! I picked him up on Friday night and brought him home. He was worn and had such a sad look in his eyes, one I have NEVER seen before. My heart was breaking for him. What he didn't know was that while he was away, I decided I was going to do something for him....I love doing things for him because he not only appreciates it but I love making him feel respected and loved, something he hasn't had in so long, plus he makes me feel like that every second of every day. I had been busy everyday after work with a big project, I painted the room. So, when he walked in, he saw this really calming beautiful retreat! He was SO happy and there was that little sparkle back in his eyes!!! Saturday we got up and went golfing with all of the neighbors, it was fun...but HOT HOT HOT! Then, we all came home and went to the pool and then grilled dinner in one of our traditional driveway get togethers! Sunday we woke up and instantly Mark was emotional. We usually take turns on having emotional days, this was his day! He was missing the kids so much. I laid there and wiped tears away for a good half hour. I got up and made coffee, we were sitting outside about 9 am, he was still emotional and I said "Hey, we should go to church this morning" He agreed so we went upstairs and got ready...or as Bill would have said "we prepared our bodies for viewing" LOL! We go to this amazing church called Central, it's HUGE but we absolutely LOVE it! We got there, sat down and all of the sudden the power point came up and the new series starting THIS EXACT Sunday was called "Lovestruck" all about the Song of Solomon! Mark and I looked at each other and just quietly laughed! Isn't it funny, he said, how everytime you need something it's what they preach on! Yes, quite funny! So, then the pastor proceeded to preach on how to handle stress in relationships! Also, he spoke on how women have the need to be loved and men have the need to be respected. I looked at him and whispered, "I respect you so much" He looked at me, his eyes were smiling *I love it when they smile* and he said "I know you do, you show me that every day" He looked at me and told me he loved me, and I knew that too! WHOA! We left church hand in hand and Mark looked at me and said "I feel so much better, I love you" We then went to lunch, just the 2 of us, he took me to a very cute little winery in Boulder City. We sat there for a couple of hours, sometimes in silence just looking at each other and at other times, talking about all sorts of things. We went home and had BIG plans....we were going to watch The Notebook! He had NEVER seen it! We snuggled up on the couch and watched it, towards the middle of the movie, I looked over at him and tears were streaming down his face, I didn't say a word, I just wiped them away. I know this movie is a tear jerker, but it was more than that, and he didn't even have to say it. A whole flood of emotions from everything that had gone on in the past couple of years was rushing thru his mind, I knew this because the last time I watched this movie a few months ago, the same thing happened to me. When the movie ended, we sat on the couch for about 30 min and hugged, he just cried. After he was done, I looked at him and told him that I was so glad he was comfortable enough to cry in front of me....I told him real men cry and I respected him for that! Honestly, it was the most perfect day I could have ever imagined having! Rene is STILL pulling crap, and we have quite a fight ahead for some things, but it will all work out because we are allowing God to be in control of our lives! Mark works SO much and long hours, so we have decided that every Wednesday will be our date night. Home no later than 7 and NO PHONES! So, this will be our 1st Wednesday and I am very excited about it :) Yes, he is amazing and ALL mine FOREVER and EVER :) Praise God!! Oh 1 more thing...I had some letters drawn out for our walls, it is a verse from the song that we call "ours" it's by Keith Urban, it's called "Only You Can Love Me This Way" and it is SO us!! On the other wall I had drawn out "Live every moment, Laugh everyday and Love beyond words" under that I put 2 picture collage frames, one of all of our kids and one of us. I'll post some pictures!

Bittersweet Day

2009-09-04T16:25:00.003-05:00

So, I OFICIALLY did it! Today, September 4th I am one year clean! What a great accomplishment and feeling! I woke up and was SO excited! I called Joyce on the way to work and told her, she was proud of me. I then instantly started missing Bill. I really wish I could have accomplished this while he was alive! But, I have to remember that #1 he knew how hard I was working towards this and #2 he knows now that I have accomplished it, I just can't talk to him. I am proud of myself, and I know, no matter what Shayne says to me that he would be proud of me too! Shayne is insisting he wouldn't be, but I have learned that Shayne is pretty much just a bitter man and doesn't want me to be happy. Well, TOO BADD FOR HIM BECAUSE I AM!!!! God is GREAT and I am loving this life he has given me! I am missing all of my girls at the center too, I kind of wish I could share this with them, but I'm here, and I did it, and my life is turning out to be absolutely amazing so I have to hold onto that!

Well, I dropped Mark off at the airport today. He is going to Minnesota for a whole week to see his kids. I'm really happy he gets to do this, but I am missing him SO much! I have this new job and I absolutely LOVE it, I have made so many friends and so they are keeping me company while he is gone :) We are having a big neighborhood BBQ at my house on Sunday since nobody has to work on Monday and a bunch of work people are coming too! It should be a great time :) I hate being away from Mark though, he hates being gone from me too....but he absolutely needed to do this. He will be back next Friday and we are going straight from the airport to Lake Powell, UT to visit his Dad and Step Mom for the weekend....I'm looking forward to spending a whole weekend OUT of Vegas and have him ALL to myself :) I have never known love like this in my entire life and it is such an amazing gift!!!! It's nice to cherish someone and have them cherish you! So I have fit right into the neighborhood, I was really worried about it because Rene had gone to everyone and said a bunch of nasty things about me....they all have known her for several years and have seen her true colors so they didn't believe any of it. The neighbors are amazing and we have a lot of fun together!! It feels so great to have a home. As Mark puts it, my heart has found a home...WHAT A FEELING!!!! Next month I will take the journey with Mark to Minnesota to see his kids, I can't wait! Then in November we will both travel to Texas to see my boys!!! They have an entire week off for Thanksgiving break...I'm marking the days off of the calendar already! Then, in December, Mark's kids will come here to Vegas for a whole 2 weeks!!!!!!! It's going to be awesome! I don't know yet what will happen with my boys, I have to work that out with Shayne, please pray that we can come to an agreement to where they can come here for a little bit of their Christmas break! I'm really looking forward to these events!! Mark is making plans to sell his business, but it will take a good 15 months to get that all completed, so within approx. 18 months we will leave Vegas and return to Minnesota! We plan on buying a little hobby farm or at least a house on acerage! Yes, life is great! Rene knows about me, she is causing some trouble, but we are getting thru it. Mark assures me our love is strong enough, I believe that, but it sure isn't fun dealing with her crap! I thank God every day that he has put Mark into my life in this way.....he is amazing and I love him so much! I'm so excited to spend the rest of our lives together!

Life

2009-08-24T22:06:00.003-05:00

Life has changed quite a bit over the past couple of months! I graduated the Center and moved out....I stayed at Shayne's for a week or so and then it was off to Vegas to be with Mark. I took my very first road trip by myself!!! I drove from Vegas to Seattle....it took me a mere 24 hours! It should have been more like 17! It was such a great experience though! Then, it was back to my new home! I am SO in love with Mark...he is an amazing person! Every night I go to bed I don't think I can be any happier than I already am, but when I wake up the next day, I AM!!!! It's nice not to have to walk on pins and needles every single day! It's so great to be treated like this....so loved! It's unconditional and I really couldn't ask for more than that!! He has helped me heal in so many ways too and that is awesome! For the first time in years, I feel settled, I have a home that is full of love and understanding! I knew unconditional love because of my boys, but this is so different! We have made a list of rules...we call it our Rules for a happy life! Every day is an adventure and I love that! I thank God every day for giving me someone who accepts me for me and doesn't try to change me! I will spend the rest of my life loving this man, treating him as my gift from God! We are helping each other thru the pain of our kids not being with us, realizing that it's a season and we will get back to them soon! I thought I would hate living in Vegas, but I have come to realize that I could live anywhere and be happy, as long as it is with him! I sit and talk and cry about Bill a lot, Mark knew him well, and he lets me...it's awesome! I feel like Bill would love the fact that I'm in this relationship with Mark...Mark loves me unconditionally just as Bill did! Somehow, I think he's had his hand in this phase of my life!!!!

Happiness

2009-07-16T22:09:00.001-05:00

Yep, Happiness! I'm officially happy! What an amazing emotion! I'm finding myself smiling all of the time! What a welcome change in my life. The reason for this new found happiness? Not so new actually....someone that's been in my life for a long time! Funny the things we take for granted! We get so used to things or people being there all of the time and don't really realize that they are special....that they can be gifts from God! That's what I got...a gift from God. One of the greatest gifts I've ever received besides my boys! It took many years to realize it, but I finally opened my eyes....and heart! For the first time in a very very long time I am content...peaceful and in love! There is a journey ahead of me and finally it is an exciting journey, not a painful one! What a nice change in life!!!! I was a little scared to have this come out in the open. I did so much praying about it, and guess what? Everything has fallen into place...it's been pretty much effortless! I know for a fact this is God and I'm just going with it. I'm not analyzing things like I normally do. I'm letting myself be happy because I have finally discovered I deserve it!

PEACE

2009-07-08T09:34:00.002-05:00

I am so happy right now! I have total and complete peace for the first time in a very long time! I know I've said it before, but this has been such a long hard road the past year and there were times I really couldn't see the light. I have worked so hard and now it's all paying off! Sure, there are still things that hurt, there are things I don't understand, but I have spent the last several days in prayer and I am at peace. It's amazing how God is working in my life! I love every minute of it! If only I had learned a long time ago to stop and listen to Him, I would have saved a lot of mess in my life....but, can't go back and change things so I'm not dwelling on them! I've been faced with so many decisions about my life in the past few weeks. At times, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't know what I was going to do! I felt like I was drowning! All of the opportunities held good things and just as I thought I had made my mind up I got presented with a different option. I have to say, this is the most exciting option I have EVER had! I am so blessed right now! God has shown me so much favor thru all of this and He continues to! Life is turning out to be AMAZING! And I give Him all the glory for that! I've made my choice, I'm doing this and I have so much support around me. Everyone has been just amazing and I can't thank you enough! This road I'm about to go down is so bright and smooth....I feel like I need to pinch myself! For a little while I didn't think I deserved this kind of happiness, but you know what? I DO!!!!!

Decisions....

2009-07-06T15:33:00.002-05:00

Life has been good the past several months. There have been a lot of ups and downs but I have learned how to deal with them in the right way. My relationship with God has grown so much and I am so thankful for that! I have been struggling the past few days though, I am missing Bill so much. I know he is in a much better place and that he is happy, but I have needed to talk to him so badly. He always gave me advice, and I didn't always take it, but during this last year I have. And the thing about it is that he never steered me wrong! I have been faced with an issue in the past week, that while it's not a bad issue, I need his guidance so much! I've found myself picking up the phone to call him and then quickly realizing that I can't. I have this HUGE decision to make, a life altering one and I need help doing it. I sat today and talked to Chap, my counselor here at TLC. She told me that while yes, Bill gave me great advice, he was a man of God and the advice he gave me actually came from God. So she said I needed to seek Him and listen to what He wants. She also told me that if I am doing what my heart desires, because this situation I have to make a decision about is NOT sinful, if it's what my heart desires then God also desires it for me. This helped me come to the conclusion I did regarding this choice. I spent over an hour in the chapel today, sitting at the foot of the cross that Bill designed. I cried and talked to God out loud. It felt so wonderful and when I stood up, I had total peace about this choice. It's funny because this could have possibly happened years ago, but it didn't. Now, I'm living my life right and God opened this window. It's so bright and so exciting! But you know, it's funny because just as I thought I had my life's direction figured out, I get hit with this! At first it completely freaked me out, but now I am so excited about it! I, for one of the first times in my life am listening to God and doing what I think he wants for my life. Really, it's an amazing feeling! I have gone thru things in my life, I have made mistakes, more often than not, and this decision is the first one I feel completely confident about~! It's great! Thank God! He is so amazing!

Well....I DID IT!

2009-06-30T10:03:00.002-05:00

I actually did it! I worked so hard and graduated a week early! I graduated this past Friday. I was so excited that I couldn't even sleep the night before! It was such a huge accomplishment for me, I was so proud of myself. I was driving down the road in Birmingham on Thursday and I started crying *shock* because I was missing Bill. I called Marva, a lady that worked with him at the church to see if she wanted to come to my graduation on Friday. She said absolutely! I was really happy that someone who loved Bill and knew how much he loved me would be able to be there. Friday morning June 26th Melinda called my name. I got up and as I refused to cry, made a speech. This was a long long long road, and it was well worth all of the pain because as I said on Friday morning, I am walking out a different person than when I walked into TLC. I have made so many friends along the way, I have had relationships that I NEVER in a million years thought possible be restored, and I have learned lessons that I never imagined I would learn. This new road is a little scary but I have The Lord on my side, something I didn't have before. And I have Bill wathching over me! I am truly excited about what's next for my life. I've given it to God and am letting him lead the way for me. To anyone reading this, if you have or are struggling with addiction, just know that God wants more for your life. Seek Him and let Him guide you. If I can do this, anyone can! Have faith in yourself, love yourself and BE HONEST with yourself. Thank you to everyone who has had faith in me. I know I've hurt a lot of you, but thank you for loving me anyways. I love all of you.

Bittersweet...

2009-06-23T19:19:00.002-05:00

Well, here I go! This chapter of my life is almost finished. I've worked so hard and waited so long for this day to come! I graduate on July 3rd from the center. I have been so excited about it, but the past few days I've found myself crying and sad most of the time. I have figured out it's because I miss Bill so much and he won't be here in person to see me complete this phase! He worked SO hard with me to get me to where I am....he had SO much faith in me and was by far my biggest fan...the biggest fan I've ever had! He NEVER gave up on me...EVER. And it just seems so cruel that he won't be here to share in this joy with me. I really can't stand it. Everyone will be gone. Joyce isn't here, Shayne and the boys will be gone, not that they would really care, but it would just be nice to have somebody here that's seen what I've gone thru and where I've come from. I would give absolutely anything to have Bill back here. I know it's not possible, but really, he was the one person I could go to and get advice from and I knew it was coming straight from his heart. It just sucks and I'm just really sad about it right now. There are so many doors that are opening for me right now, I'm not sure which one I'm going to go thru but I'll decide soon and let you all know. I've worked so hard for this, I am so proud of myself and I know I'll make it. Thanks for all of your prayers!

A Day in My Life...

2009-05-28T23:59:00.002-05:00

It's been crazy lately! I've been working SO much! Like 15 plus hours a day! I really enjoy it, I like being able to spend time getting to know the girls and talking with them. I think I've decided to go back to school and get my degree in counseling. I really think I'd enjoy it, and even be good at it. Well, on top of working so many hours, I'm working my tail off so I can graduate! I can't wait! I'm so ready to move on to the next chapter of my life! When I graduate I'm going to try to take a vacation somewhere....I don't know where yet but I was thinking that I'd like to get in the car and take a long road trip! I think camping from here to Wyoming would be fun!! We'll see! So, in my last blog I mentioned meeting someone. So yeah, he's just a really great person. He LOVES God with a passion, which is the most important! He has very strong morals and values, which is so important to me. He has kind of caught me off guard. I'm taking things slow and listening to God about this. I feel really great about how I am doing this. So, whatever God has planned for me with this situation, I'm ready! I'm ready to be happy, happy with someone. But I want it to be right, I've spent a long time thinking I didn't deserve to be happy, but thru this journey of mine, especially the journey in the past few months, I've discovered that I do deserve it. Everyone deserves it! So, please pray for me. Pray that I have wisdom in dealing with this. So, my birthday is on Tuesday, I'll be 32!!!!!!! This will be the very first birthday that I'm sober since 2000! I can hardly beieve it! It feels so awesome to be able to say that! I was laughing today about how different this birthday will be! I don't even want to get into what I did last year for my birthday! The celebration lasted a whole week, so I'm sure you can imagine! It's going to feel wonderful to have a sober birthday! Ok, I have to go to sleep...I've been up since 5 am and it's almost midnight....I'll write more soon!

Pajama Party with SUPER cool results!

2009-04-28T13:32:00.002-05:00

http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=viewImage&friendID=432369238&albumID=236568&imageID=11682391

So, Melissa moved into my room last night. We were so excited about it! We spent what seemed like FOREVER re-arranging our room, cleaning, going thru things and getting rid of things. But in the end it was AWESOME! Melissa and I are new friends, it's kind of a strange story, but I dated her ex husband and now here she is at the Lovelady Center! I had her sing at Bill's memorial and since then we have hit it off! We asked for her to move in with me and they let us! Well, we were so excited last night that we decided to throw a pajama party to celebrate! So, that's exactly what we did, complete with fake eyelashes and everything! We stayed up until 2 am taking silly pictures, laughing and having a pillow fight, and talking about God! Melissa has never had a true relationship with Him and I was encouraging her to do so. I was explaining that life is SO much more fantastic with Him in it! Well, when we woke up this morning, we discovered that there had been a flood in our room last night! Yep, 4 inches of water from the bathroom all the way thru our bedroom! It was BAD! Actually, NASTY! So, we called in the workers and they started cleaning it up and fixing the drain! Melissa and I moved everything off of the floor, it was such a nightmare! So, Melissa went to class, and I stayed behind to make sure everything was happening the way it was supposed to. What a mess, I can't emphasize that enough! Well, at about 11:30 I was ready for Melissa, we needed to try to put things back together in the room. I knew she was out of class but I couldn't find her, so I went downstairs to Holli's office. She was in there....the door opened and they started walking out...Melissa had been crying and Holli said they were going to Chap's office. Melissa wanted to get saved! I jumped up and down and clapping! We went into her office and we all prayed together! It was such an AWESOME feeling!!!! And it's even more awesome because we get to be room-mates and do this together! Yeah, God is wonderful! I love Him more every day! So, tonight after we go to The Basement, we are having a birthday party for Melissa and Jesus....so I'll put up more pics of that tomorrow :)

Stadium Fest 2009!

2009-04-27T13:04:00.003-05:00

I had the most AWESOME opportunity this past weekend. I got to go with several of my girlfriends to Stadium Fest. This was held at Samford University in Birmingham, it is SUCH a beautiful campus! It was held in the football stadium and the weather couldn't have been more perfect...90 degrees!!! Chris Tomlin, Rush of Fools and Jeremy Camp were among the artists who performed. It was AMAZING! So many people were saved and I got such joy out of watching it! It was also a blast to let loose and act like a kid again! None of us get the chance to do that very often, so it did our hearts a lot of good :) I got my face painted, I put on a grass skirt and hula hooped, I slid down a HUGE hill on a piece of cardboard and got grass stains all over my clothes...it was fantastic! I've been to many outdoor concerts in my life, and most of them I walked around the whole time with a beer in my hand...this was so different! This time I got to walk around singing and praising God...lifting my hands in the air and worshiping! How different it was than before! It was so great to see everyone else doing the same thing too! PRAISE GOD! I have to say, my favorite part of the day was at the end when Jeremy Camp took the stage, he sang all of his great songs like, "I Will Walk By Faith" "This Man" He sang "Mighty to Save" "Freedom Reigns" and then he sang "There Will Be a Day" I was SO happy he sang that! We played that at Bill's memorial. Bill had asked me about a week before he became ill if I had ever heard of Jeremy Camp. I told him I had and he asked me if I had heard that song. I hadn't so we sat at my desk and I looked it up online and we listened to it together. He loved it! So it was pretty awesome to be able to hear it that night!!!! Ok, I'm posting a few pictures from Stadium Fest for you all to see! I hope you enjoy looking at them as much as we did taking them! Remember, I said we acted like kids...and I have the pictures to prove it!!!

My Special Visit

2009-04-22T14:07:00.002-05:00

My mom and grandma came to see me on Saturday. It couldn't have been more perfect timing either!! We stayed in a hotel that had an indoor pool and took the boys swimming...they had a BLAST and I was so happy, they needed the distraction! So did I! I had called my grandma a couple of weeks ago while Bill was in the hospital. I was crying and I told her that I wished I had my family by me right then. She called me a few days later and told me she was coming into town. I was thrilled!! Then, I got an email from my mom asking me to call her, when I did she told me she was coming with my grandma. I have to be honest, I was excited, but I was a little worried. I mean, my mom and I haven't been in a real relationship for over half of my life and I was concerned that the visit would not go well. But, I was determined to give it a chance. I have to say, God is amazing! I have spent 3 weeks questioning why this has happened (Bill) and everyone kept telling me that some good would come out of it, but I really didn't believe anyone that said that. I couldn't even imagine what possibly could be good from the situation. Well, I have finally discovered it....Thru this situation with Bill, there has been restoration in SO many areas. But, the biggest restoration is between my mom and me. I have spent YEARS being told and also thinking that I had no family that cared about me or loved me. I have been told I am alone and that it would always be that way. Well, I was told wrong! The truth is, my family has ALWAYS loved me, they haven't ever stopped. Even though I pushed everyone away and ignored them. None of that mattered to them in the end! Pretty cool! We have all made our share of mistakes but in the end, we are family and that's all that matters! I am so thankful for that...and I know Bill is looking down smiling about this! He would absolutely LOVE it! We had such a great time, on Monday we went to the mall, I added a new addition to my family, her name is Chloe...I built her ;) Yep, I did Build a Bear! It was so much fun! But the best thing I took away from the weekend was the new relationship I am carving out with my family....MY family! It's awesome!!

My Dad....

2009-04-22T10:52:00.002-05:00

Well as you all know, Bill went home to be with the Lord on Easter Sunday. We are all greiving but it was so peaceful, just the way he would have wanted it. It was just him and Joyce in the room and I am so happy that she has that memory. Bill meant so much to so many people and it was truly amazing to see how much he was loved...is loved. He helped more people than any of us ever realized and that was an awesome thing to learn! I miss him every second of every day, I have a huge whole in my life where he was. But, with that said, I know he is watching over me. I'm living life a little different now, I think before I do or say things, I think "what would Bill want me to do" and then I act on that. I want to continue to make him proud just like I was doing when he was on earth. I know I can do it and a lot of that is because he taught me so much! The service was absolutely perfect, it was such a celebration! Sure, there were tears, lots of them, but there was love, laughter and healing. He would have LOVED it! I sat there during the service, listening to people talk about him and I was smiling. I smiled because I realized how proud, lucky, blessed, favored I was to have gotten to spend 17 years with him as my dad! I am moving forward now, but not forgetting him. Like I said in the service, no matter who I end up with in my life, nobody will ever hold a candle to him. That's just not possible! I think I am having an easier time with this than I thought I would, and I know it's because of the way it ended between Bill and me. I got to say everything I needed to say to him, before he got sick! That is such a HUGE blessing, one that so many people don't get! I will love him forever and hold near to me all he taught me. Thank you to everyone for all of your prayers, they have helped SO much!

God's Will

2009-04-08T08:09:00.002-05:00

Well, to say the least this has been a rough week. That actually doesn't even begin to describe it! I'm having a hard time writing this blog today knowing that Bill won't be reading it. He has ALWAYS been the first to read my blogs. In fact, if I didn't post for a day or two I would get an email or call from him asking me why I hadn't blogged. But, I am going to write anyway. So, another day in the hospital. I arrived here about 20 min. ago and will go see him at 8:30. Everyday I go in, I expect a huge change so it's very disappointing when there is nothing. I've been sitting here with Joyce, just her and I, and we have gotten to talk a lot. It's been very helpful to both of us. We can be so open with each other and not have to worry about what the other person might think. I've missed her so much and wanted her to come home, but I would give anything for her to still be in Dallas working, because that would mean none of this would have happened! On Monday all I could do was cry. I wanted so badly to go back to last Monday and sit at my desk and have lunch with Bill all over again. Last night I went into the chapel and cried so hard. I was alone and talking to God, actually sometimes yelling. I was telling Him I did NOT understand this! First of all why did this happen and especially to Bill??? Then, I asked Him why on earth if it had to happen is Bill just laying there suffering? Bill has always been clear that he didn't want that...ever! So, then I started praying for God to do His will. I have asked Him that if Bill cannot make a 100% recovery then to take him home to be with Him. That's exactly what Bill would want! I've cried so much in the past 10 days I do not know how I have tears left! This has been so hard on my boys too. They don't understand it at all either. They want to see him but we are waiting until the tubes come out. They miss him so much! He is the best grandpa ever and they love him. So, we continue to pray for God's will and trust in Him. It's hard, man is it hard. But, I know it's what we have to do. The past 6 months Bill and I got so close. He is truly my dad and I am so thankful for that! I know God allowed it and I believe he was preparing me for this situation. If it weren't for Bill helping me thru all of my "junk" and helping me build my relationship with Christ, I would not be getting thru this whole thing like I am! I love Bill so much for that. He gave me a chance, he loved me unconditionally and I will always have that, nobody can ever take the past 6 months away from me!

We Need a Miracle

2009-03-31T01:04:00.002-05:00

I feel really blessed in a way tonight. Bill came to the Center and came up to my office for lunch. He had a meeting with Brenda at 2 and he called me and told me he wanted to visit with me first. He got there around 1:15 and we sat at my desk. We talked about some ideas he had for the center and I showed him some pictures from when I had the boys and Hannah over the weekend. He looked at me as I was showing them to him and said "I'm really proud of you Amy" I asked him what for and he told me it was for handling this situation with such grace and maturity. I explained that it was easy for me and he told me he was still proud of me and then he said something I will ALWAYS remember. He said "I love you" He's told me that before but now today it has such different meaning. We got up and I walked with him to Brenda's office. I left him there for his meeting and he assured me he would come see me before he left. I have become very attached to him in the past 6 months. He in a sense has been my only family other than the boys that has been here. About 4:00 I realized that I hadn't seen him so I went to Brenda's office. He was gone! I called him a stinker and walked down to the 2nd floor to go to my room. When I got to the bottom of the steps, I saw something that will never leave my memory. Two men were carrying him onto the couch. I looked at him and screamed, he looked at me right in his eyes but couldn't talk. I turned and ran up the stairs, I knew something horrible had happened. I ran into Brenda's office crying and screaming and she ran downstairs. I then ran next door into Melinda's office and Lindsay came in to try to calm me down. Emily was there with me too, she took my hands and prayed with me. I then called Shayne and told him to meet us at the hospital, I told him we thought he had a stroke. I went downstairs and gave the EMT guy all of the information I could. Then he called Joyce. I got into the ambulance and we raced to the hospital. The whole way all I could do was to pray. I prayed so hard and when we got there, they had me sit in the family waiting room. Shayne was there too. I couldn't stop crying and then one of the pastors from GLC came out. Then the dr. came into the room and informed us that Bill had a massive bleed in his brain. I crumbled. Bill has been my rock thru all of this crap the past few months and I could not bring myself to be strong for him. I was a wreck. Shayne stayed calm, but I could see on his face how upset he was. They told us the surgeon was looking over the CAT scan film to see if it required surgery. About that time Brenda showed up and we all went back into the room with Bill. He had a tube down his throat and was asleep. All I could do was stand next to him, kiss his forehead and rub the side of his cheek and tell him how much I love him and how proud I am to be his daughter. Then we all laid our hands on him and prayed for such a long time. They finally moved him to the ICU and when we left he was still sleeping but he was squeezing my hand. Joyce is driving here, Jay and Landon fly in tomorrow and Bill's mom and dad, and sister and her husband will leave tomorrow and drive here. The boys don't know what's going on, although they know something is wrong. I can't bring myself to tell them yet. We are standing firm and believeing there is going to be a miracle so I am waiting to talk to them! I went to the center to get clothes and stuff and so many of the girls came up to me and were so concerned. Bill has become a fixture at the center. The girls absolutely adore him! He knows almost all of them (and there's a lot of them!) Whenever he comes up there he always takes the time to listen to them and pray with them, no matter what he's doing! They don't get a lot of that. They ask about him almost daily too. He is SO loved by so many people! He is an amazing man and I know his work here isn't done yet. Please pray for him, and pray for Joyce too.

My New Sisters

2009-03-26T13:12:00.002-05:00

Ok so I have an actual sister, but we haven't had a relationship for years! The funny thing is, I have craved this relationship even more than I have craved one with my parents. I watch other friends with their sisters and I find myself feeling very sad. So, when I got to the center, there was 2 sisters, Caity and Emily. Caity is 23 and Emily is 20. I didn't ever really hang out with them, or even really talk to them much. Not because I didn't like them, I just thought I was too old to be socializing with them. Well, Emily made some wrong choices in January and she wound up going to jail. Caity came to me and asked me to write her, I told her I would but I was so reluctant to. I didn't have any clue what I was going to say to her...."Hey Emily, how's life in jail?" So, I just kept putting it off! Finally in late January, Caity asked me if I had written her, I told her no but I would do it the next day. So, the following morning as I headed out to work, I got the address to the jail from Caity. I sat down at my computer and started writing. "Hey Emily, hope you're doing ok" then I realized that was stupid, so I deleted it..."Hey Emily, What's new?" Nope, couldn't send that either! So, I stopped and I prayed, I asked the Lord to speak thru me and give me the exact words to say to Emily, words that would mean something to her and that she would need to hear. Then, all of the sudden, I started typing and the words just started flowing! I told her that I knew God had huge plans for her life and that she has amazing potential and that she just had to stop and listen to Him. I told her that if when I was 20 I had learned what she has the opportunity to learn my life would have been much less painful and had much less heartache! I also told her that she needed to be very selective on who she surrounded herself with, I told her that I had learned this the hard way but it is also a lesson that comes with age. When I put this in the letter, I had one specific person in mind that I was talking about. And I was pretty sure she would know who it was. So, I addressed the envelope and put it in the mail. About a week later I received a letter from Emily. I opened it and as I started reading, she said she cried when she read my letter, and then the coolest thing...she told me that she knew God wanted her to read it because I had mailed it to the wrong address! Now, the jail she is in is huge, it is also the Federal holding facility for Alabama. I had not written Shelby County Jail on the envelope, I had only written Emily Smith and then the address! Whoever received the letter first had marked thru it with red pen and wrote "please forward to Shelby County Jail" How crazy is that?!?! I mean the odds of Emily Smith getting a letter forwarded to Shelby County Jail is not very high! So, I knew this was a God thing! And the other awesome part, the person I was referring to in the letter, warning her to stay away from had also been sending letters to the same wrong address and Emily did not receive one of them! So, that started a bond between me, Caity and Emily. Caity and I started talking all of the time, hanging out and just supporting each other. Emily came back to the center on Feb. 23 and I was SO happy to see her! The three of us have become inseperable, we do absolutely everything together. We hang out in our rooms, talk about God, our families, our past mistakes, but the best part is we totally support each other and love each other unconditionally. I have taken on the role of big sister, although sometimes I don't act like I'm any older than them! We have so much fun together, I have gotten to meet their Nanny and Dad and I love them too! It's been awesome to finally feel like I have sisters! I know they aren't my blood sisters, but it's better than that! They are my sisters in Christ and I just think it's the best thing ever! I never imagined I would come to "rehab" and develop a relationship like this, let alone two! God really knew what I needed and I am so thankful for that!!!!

God is Amazing!

2009-03-25T09:21:00.002-05:00

I swear that every day I am more and more amazed at the power of God! Sometimes I just sit back in amazement when I see things happening, it's so wonderful! Being in this center I see a lot of things. Some of them are not so good but for once in my life the Good out weighs the bad instead of the other way around! When I first arrived here I was in a room with 5 girls. One of them, Jennifer, now also works here. She is in charge of the "crisis dorm" which is just where you stay for the first few days you're here. We decided to have a bible study the other night with the girls and it was so amazing! We went around the table and everyone said what their favorite verse was. I picked Nehemiah 9:17-18: They refused to listen and failed to remember the miracles you performed among them. They became stiff-necked and in their rebellion appointed a leader in order to return to their slavery. But you are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love. Therefore you did not desert them,even when they cast for themselves an image of a calf and said, 'This is your god, who brought you up out of Egypt,' or when they committed awful blasphemies.

The reason I chose this verse was because with all I have done wrong in my life, all of the times I failed to remember all God had done for me He NEVER stopped loving me! We all should be forgiving, gracious, compassionate and slow to anger. But the simple truth is that most of us aren't. We are made in His image and we are supposed to be like him. So I believe that if we all could learn from His graciousness and mercy we would lead much happier lives! I know this is what I am striving for. It is really not that hard either! I used to be so judgmental and not give people chances. Let me tell you, I have changed! Here's an example....There was this girl who had been here at the center. She was about 8 months pregnant and she was still shooting up. Her justification was that the drug she was using did not penetrate the placenta, therefore it was not harming the baby! She tested dirty several times and then finally, she was caught in the act and taken out of the center in handcuffs. I was pleased that she was finally getting locked up so that she would have to stop using! A week or so passed and all of the sudden one evening I saw her walk into the center! I could NOT believe my eyes! I could NOT understand why in the world they had let her back in here! And to be completely honest, I was MAD!!! I had never actually spoken to her, I didn't have any desire to and I for sure didn't want to now! On Thursday I was in Tracy's office, she was her client rep and there we both sat. I felt led to play a song for her, my anthem...You're Not Alone. We sat there and listened to it and as we did, I prayed for God to speak to her heart. On Friday I always go to Celebrate Recovery at a local church. This time, she was there too! I always sit in the front row with Emily and Kristi sat right behind us. At the end of the service, there was an altar call. There was praise music playing and I was sitting there worshiping God, I had my eyes closed and hands lifted and I was praying for her. I was praying that God lead her to the altar, I really wanted to pray with her. I opened up my eyes and there she was knelt down at the altar right in front of me!! I started crying, walked up to her and knelt down. I sat there and prayed with her, prayed over her sweet little belly and she got saved! I was SO proud of her. And I can honestly say that she is a changed woman! She is SO hungry for God now! It's awesome!! She is full of questions and wants to learn everything possible so we have spent a lot of time learning things together. My point in telling this story is that it made me realize I was not acting the way God requires us to act! I was judging her, I was very unforgiving and I was most definitely quick to anger. That is wrong and I had to ask His forgivness for it. We all need to check ourselves and see where we are in that area. And Kristi had a perfectly healthy baby boy last night...Baby Jaxten! God is awesome!!!!

ME and Emily

2009-03-18T14:49:00.003-05:00

This is a pic of me and Emily on our way to Celebrate Recovery last Friday....where I got my chip for being clean for 6 months!!!!! Praise God!

Lessons

2009-03-18T14:07:00.002-05:00

Well, I haven't posted in a minute...thought it was time! Quite a bit has happened in the past week. I'm loving life at the moment and I don't expect that to change anytime soon! I'm making new friendships every day, ones that I know I wouldn't be making unless I was here. I love that! Emily and Caity have become great friends of mine. They are sisters and they are much younger than I am but it's funny because we don't even realize it! We have this relationship that is unlike most I've ever had with any of my friends. Caity and I were talking the other night with someone and I said "we have this relationship where we can be very frank with each other" and we can, it's a beautiful thing! She was telling her Grandma that I had said that and her Grandma told her that was what true friendship was all about. So, I am so thankful they are in my life and I know they will be for a long time to come. So, I'm busy taking my classes and I'm loving it. I sat down and wrote my life story the other day, it's funny how many things I had forgotten that came back to me! Then I watched Fireproof and am in the middle of writing a report on it. It struck me how much my marriage was like the one portrayed in the movie!! Amazing movie...if you haven't seen it, GET IT! I'm getting excited because I know that life, real life, is getting closer to starting for me! I can't wait! God has done so much in my life in the past several months, I can't even begin to explain all of the great things! I'm so happy I have chosen to walk with Him and serve Him! I know so much is in store for me and I'm so excited about it! I have been walking around with a smile on my face lately and I just feel so filled with Joy....it's an AMAZING feeling! I want everyone to experience it! I'm still learning, and I always will be I think but it's awesome!!!

Decisions

2009-03-09T13:19:00.002-05:00

Well, I'm happy to report everyone made it back in one piece from the camping trip! They had such an amazing time! They got back Sunday around 11 and I was thrilled to see their little sunburned faces with HUGE smiles on them! They told me all about thier adventures, they fished, they hiked to a waterfall and played truth or dare! What camping trip would be complete without a game of truth or dare right? Dylan was even dared to lick a tire and he did! EWWWW!!! Then they told me how on Saturday night they all sat around and talked, the men had asked each of the boys if there was one thing in the entire world they could change about their life what would it be. Dylan was telling me this and I asked him what his answer was, now I expected it to be something like "I wish I had a new game" or something like that. But, to my surprise, his answer was MUCH deeper than that. His wish was that his parents would be back together. In fact, this was the wish of all 3 of the boys! It hit me how hard this has been on them and how much they feel it. Dylan was so proud of his answer, he even told me that Jeff told him he had the best answer of all! But it was so wonderful to see them have so much fun and be so excited about something!! I am so blessed!

On Saturday I went to a class that Brenda was having. It was called Questions and Answers. I try to go to them every time she has it but most of the time I have had the boys here. I took this opportunity to go though, and man am I glad I did! We talked about favor and why some people seem to have more favor with God than others. It made so much sense! Heaven knows I have had PLENTY of favor in my life and continue to! I spoke with her after class privately and shared something that was on my heart, something I'm not ready to share in this blog. But, without me saying hardly anything at all, she answered my question. She told me that when she was asking me questions about it earlier in the week it was for a reason and that she felt this was what I am supposed to do. When I tell you I spent the rest of the weekend tripping out over it, I DID! But, I also spent hours praying and talking to God about what I am supposed to do. I don't want to just rush out and do something *shock I know* I want to hear Him and do what He wants me to do. So, that is what I am doing. I spoke with her again this morning, she is going to pray with me tonight before I make this choice. I am anxious and scared, but I'm also excited because I do know this is God's plan. It might not work out at this very moment, but it will eventually because I do believe this is His will.

Joy!

2009-03-06T21:19:00.001-06:00

So the boys came up to spend the weekend with me. They come every weekend, sometimes not all 3 of them depending on what they are wanting to do. So when they got here around 4:30 today I took them up to Brendas office, she hadn't met all 3 of them yet. She instantly wanted to know why they weren't camping with all of the other boys from the center. I told her I didn't know they could go, I had thought it was just for the boys who lived here. She picked up her phone & called her husband to see if they had room for the boys. They did, so I took them up to the mountain & dropped them off. Now my 1st reaction was to say no, I mean I only get weekends with them while they are in school, but ALL 3 of them were SO excited about it & were begging me to go, so I just couldn't say no!! Plus, I knew it would be an extremely positive experience for them! The kids that were there are great & the guys (adults) that were there are awesome role models! Tomorrow they are going fishing, hiking etc & I am thrilled for them!!!!! Its grea & I am so thankful they are getting this opportunity!!!

Life is AMAZING!

2009-03-05T14:06:00.002-06:00

So it's just amazing to me how much life has changed! Yesterday was my 6 month mark....6 months clean! No drugs, no alchohol....NOTHING! It's quite an amazing feeling too. I was laughing to myself because I have a bad toothache right now, and I was thinking that 7 months ago I would have been to the ER at least 3 times already to get a shot and a bottle of pills because of the pain. But you know it's so hilarious, now that I don't use, I can actually handle the pain just fine! I don't need anything to make me feel better, or escape! Life has completely changed now that I have made the choice not only to be clean but to follow God! I still have struggles, I still have a long ways to go in my healing and recovery, but He shows me more and more favor every day! Because I have chosen to honor him and live for him, things keep falling right into place! One of those things is my new job. I am the Director of Small Business Development for the center and I am SO excited about it! I would have NEVER guessed a year ago that this is what I would be doing, but I am SO thrilled about it! I think it is way too funny that I used to work for Simplex last year and do all of the fire alarm dispatching for this center and never knew what it was! Less than a year later, here I am, not only living here but doing God's work! AMAZING! I am so on fire that sometimes I don't know what to do with myself! But I'm loving every single second of it! Thank you for all of the prayers and support....it has made all the difference in the world!

Favor

2009-03-03T23:44:00.001-06:00

There has been so much going on here in the past few days. Eight girls were dismissed for various reasons. Every time this happens it just makes me remember how blessed I am to be here! I have let some outside things cloud my focus lately, but I am fortunate enough to have a couple of people here who genuinely love me and want the best for me and they keep me accountable. I got a new client rep and I am so excited about it! She is exactly what I need! She gave me 2 projects to do and I am pumped about it! I get to start a new job tomorrow in development. I will be getting to work with Bill and that makes me so so happy! Who would have thought I would ever get to do that again? Not me!!! Its so funny, now that Shayne & I aren't together anymore I have developed an even stronger bond with Bill & Joyce! Its great!!! So, many things are falling into place, I am so excited about the direction my life is taking! I am more focused than ever and God is showing me favor once again! Oh and it was 6 months ago today that I got arrested! 6 months!!! That means tomorrow I will have 6 months clean! I can't believe it!! I'll probably write about it!

My New Friend

2009-02-24T17:10:00.003-06:00

Ok so to some of you what I'm about to say will probably seem a little strange, and I have to be honest, I never anticipated this...but hey I haven't anticipated a lot of things! So, Friday night was Braydens birthday party. I went to Shaynes around 4 and we were setting up. I went out & talked to some of my old friends from the neighborhood & got caught up with what's been going on in their lives. Then Shaynes girlfriend Sheila came over, I knew she was going to be thhere & I was fine with it. Well, we ended up hanging out in the garage & talking for a long time. Shayne would pop his head out once in a while and we would give him that "get outta here this is a girls talk" look, so I think he finally gave up! She had a lot of questions for me, one was if I would ever want him back. I explained to her that I was positive that I wouldn't. She couldn't understand why I had left him & the best explanation I could give her was we just simply weren't in love with each other anymore, we wanted 2 different things out of life. I told her that thru it all Shayne had always been my best friend & I would always fight for him to remain that too. I told her that I had been a part of that family for over half of my life & it would always be that way. But I also told her that I could tell how happy she made Shayne, its written all over his face & its real! He really is happier than I've ever seen him. Then last night we spent a few hours texting back & forth. I thanked her for talking to Dylan, she had told him he didn't have a right to be disrespectful to me. And it worked! She thanked me for talking to the boys on her behalf in December because it worked too. Then we came to the conclusion that there is no point in disliking each other, neither one of us has ever done anything to the other. So we decided to become friends. Not only for the boys but for us too. The truth is, I really really like her. She is someone that I would have been friends with if I were still with Shayne & we had met, so why not? We get along & she treats Shayne like a king, treats the boys great & even treats me great! She respects the fact that I'm their mom & that Shayne & I are friends. I really couldn't ask for a better situation! Gods hands are all over this, I know that for sure! I am super excited about this! Its making the whole situation easier to deal with for sure & I know its thebest thing for our boys. To see their parents get along & Sheila & I get along. I am thrilled that thru all of these storms we have gotten to this point! Praise God!!!!!!!

I Just Don't Understand....

2009-02-17T12:04:00.002-06:00

There's a couple of things that are bugging me today. First, I wrote a blog about the power of addiction. I said I just simply HATE IT! And I DO! Now, I had to watch last night as 3 girls relapsed, one of them was a friend of mine. I really cared about her and wanted the best for her. I thought she had it, but I was wrong. I've been telling her for 2 months that she needed to choose her friends wisely, I JUST had a conversation with her last week and told her that I saw her going down a road that was dangerous. I saw this coming, I swear I did. But, she didn't listen. It just makes me heartbroken! She has SO much potential, but now she's gone. She packed up and left, her addiction has a hold of her and is in full swing. And I'm just saying, I DON'T understand it! I don't! I know all I can do is pray for her, and I have been and will continue to. It's all I can do! But, it still breaks my heart! I just want everyone to be ok. But, I know just like Brenda says sometimes it's just not that persons time. Ok, so the other thing that's bugging me is I emailed my dad the other day, Friday actually. I told him that I wasn't mad at him for not being a dad to me, that I realized when my mom left it messed him up. I told him that I still love him and want him to be my dad, not just my father. I've missed having my parents around, especially thru all of this mess. I mean, I have Bill and Joyce, but I would love MY parents too, you know? So, it was a really good email. I didn't blame him and I even thanked him because by his mistakes, I learned. I sent him a link to this blog in hopes that maybe he would read it and contact me, you see, he has it in his head that I'm this horrible person when in fact, at least when it comes to him and my mom, I'm really just this injured little kid that wants her parents! When I was growing up in my dad's house, I was treated like an adult, given the freedom of a 25 year old. At the time, I thought this was such a cool thing, but all that it did was make me think that I didn't have to answer to anyone and didn't teach me ANYTHING about responsibility. But, I don't think he visited this page and he has not emailed me back at all. The last time I spoke with him was a couple of days after I got to the Center, it didn't go so well. I love him, I want him in my life....as my dad. I just wish he could see that.

It Feels Different Than I Had Imagined....

2009-02-16T17:01:00.003-06:00

Well, I officially signed our divorce papers today. It felt so much differently than I thought it would! I've had two other copies of papers, but never signed them because I didn't like what was in them. Shayne and I have come to a fair agreement regarding the boys and he had his lawyer draw up the new paperwork. He brought it to me at my office today. We've been getting along SO great lately. We've decided to put our differences aside for the well-being of our boys. So, I took the papers, read them and then signed them. Now, I truly expected to be overjoyed when I signed them! I mean, I have spent the better part of a year pulling my hair out and wanting NOTHING more than to have him out of my life. But, I did not feel that way at all! I don't know, I guess part of it is because we are actually friends again and I'm enjoying him being back in my life, even though it's in a different way. I called him and told him that they were ready. Then, I called Joyce. I was crying like a baby *go figure* and wanted her to reassure me that nobody can or will ever replace me! She will always be a mom to me....really the only one I have ever known, at least as an adult, and as I signed those papers, everything from the past 17 years went rushing thru my mind. All of the sudden I realized that my family had ended. I know we haven't been living together as a family in almost a year, but when I put the pen to that paper and signed my name, I realized that it was REALLY happening! I cried for a while and thank GOD for Pam, if she hadn't have been here with me I think it would have been much harder. She's been thru it and completely understood and knew the right things to tell me. I am so thankful for her! It was painful, much more than I had anticipated. I've had friends tell me what it would be like, but NOTHING anyone said could prepare me for the roller coaster of emotions that came along with it. There was such a finality. I spent Valentines Day bowling with Shayne and the boys. We had someone else that came along too, Shayne's new "friend" it was awkward at first, but I had already made my mind up that I was not going to dislike her. I was going to give her a chance, after all, she DID NOT split our marriage up, we did that on our own! She was nice, and it was great to be with the boys. It was also great to be with Shayne. For the past 17 years everytime we see an air hockey table, we play a game....or two. This Valentines Day was NO exception. Shayne and I played our ritual game and I WON! For a second, I found myself looking at him and wishing things were as they used to be. I felt a sadness about it, I missed him/our family. Then, we were talking and trying to figure out what we had done last Valentines Day, neither one of us could remember. Austin chimed in with "I remember, you guys got in a HUGE fight" and then, I remembered why we are no longer together. It was then that I decided Shayne and I are MUCH better off apart, we can actually enjoy each other and be friends and it's working out great and the boys are enjoying it too. So, even though today was painful, it had to happen. I know there are great things around the corner for BOTH of us and I can't wait. But, I have been with this man since I was 14. He became my family, my rock and now that's gone....but actually, I think I've figured out it's not gone, it's just there in a different way now. I will always love him and I will always love his family, no piece of paper will EVER change that. But man, what a hard day!

My Latest Adventure

2009-02-13T08:22:00.002-06:00

First of all, don't laugh! I mean it! I have made a decision! I have decided that my life has been pretty interesting to say the least. I have been thru things that I NEVER could have imagined. A lot of them were bad, and most of the reason for that was because I made bad choices, went the wrong direction in life. But, it has made for interesting stories. When Pam, Emily, Christy and I became friends in jail, we would often joke about making a movie out of our experience! We even picked out who would play us! It helped to pass time. But, somewhere deep down, I really thought we would make a great story. I mean, all of us had so much to say, so much that had gone on in our lives to get us to that point. I decided that I am going to write a book! Yes, stop laughing! I'm very serious about this. The whole thing was such an amazing journey, a journey that's not over yet. It was life changing! So, I decided I want to share it. I have spent the last few weeks collecting information from the other girls. They are helping me on this project, but leaving the writing part to me. I am sure I'll be calling on Joyce for her editorial input! Ha! But, I am dead set on this. You WILL see this book on shelves at Barnes and Noble! I promise you that! I don't know what I'm calling it yet, that will come to me. But, I am super excited about this! It is so much fun....I didn't know I had it in me, but I'm learning new things about myself all of the time! Wish me luck.....

The Power of Addiction

2009-02-11T11:48:00.003-06:00

You know, I'm learning so much more every day about addiction. Even though I was addicted to pills, I guess I never really understood it. I'm not saying I get the whole picture, but I do understand more than I did before. For people who have never struggled with it, I know it must be hard, or near impossible to understand. When I got to the Center, I was throwing myself a pitty party. I had convinced myself that I had this horrible life, that I had gone thru all of these horrible hard times. The longer I'm there, the more I come to realize that I, compared to a lot of the women there, have had a very fortunate life. I had a husband who loved me, 3 amazing boys and a lifestyle that most people my age could only dream of. I've never been homeless, I've never gone without food or clothes, I've never had to sell myself, I had the life of a spoiled soccer mom. I was lucky....no blessed. Yet, that addiction had a hold on me that was stronger than any of those things I was blessed with! When I sat down and was honest with myself about it, I made my mind up, I was going to get clean and stay clean. I sat in jail 60 days and watched girls come in and out, girls who had been in there 20 or more times. I refused to be like that. I was going to do this once and only once! PERIOD. And if you know me, you know that when I'm set on something, that's it! Now, that's a lot of what's gotten me in trouble too, but this time it was for a good thing! One thing I've had to do is let some, well most, of my old friends go. I've had to realize that they just aren't good for me. With that, I have made so many new friends. Friends that understand, that have gone thru some of the same things I have. I've learned that some of the choices I made, although they were horrible, they weren't unusual. These new friends I have made have stories of their own, stories that sometimes floor me! It's so unreal the power that drugs and addictions have over people! Most of us have lost EVERYTHING, marriages, kids, family, jobs, cars, houses, friends, FREEDOM, self-respect, respect of others.....all to feed our addictions. One thing I've always heard is "once an addict, always an addict" and I've always believed that. Well, I am now saying, no, I don't believe that at all. I guess it may be true for some people, but I believe more than anything that God can take the addiction away. When I came to terms with my addiction, I prayed and asked Him for help. See, I didn't have a choice but to clean up, I was in jail, but I knew that when I got out it would be as simple as going to the ER and fake a migraine, or a toothache and I'd get my shot and a bottle of pills to go home with, but I did not want that to happen. So, I prayed for Him to take the urge away from me. Not only for the pills, but for so many things. And you know what? He has. I have had NO desire for any of it! NONE! Now, what I don't understand, well, I guess in a way I do, is why He could do it for me this first time, but I see some people that have struggled with it over and over. I realize that for some people relapse is part of their recovery, but take Emily for example, she has SO much faith in the Lord, she loves Him more than anything and taught me so much about Him, so WHY was the devil allowed to come in and cause so much pain and havoc in her life?? Was it because he knew she was a HUGE threat? WHY? I don't understand that. I hate addiction, and the truth of the matter is, most of us have some sort of addiction. But I hate it, I just simply do. I think it's the most powerful thing ever. My new addiction? God, my kids, and LAUGHING! That's it! I am NOT an addict of pills anymore, and I never will be again, I wish I could have gotten this years ago, but I guess it wasn't meant to be until now, I don't really understand that either, but as Robin always tells me, "some things just aren't meant for us to understand Amy" So, I'll just go with that :) I live in a place where I see addiction every day, I see it walking around in the halls, I see it break families apart, I see it rip kids from their moms, I see it destroy people, and even kill people. It breaks my heart, I want to save every single person, but I'm told that I can't.....WE'LL SEE! I know my blogs are long, I guess I just have a lot to say right now...I'm finding this writing thing very helpful!!!

Dragonflies

2009-02-10T11:53:00.000-06:00

I've always loved dragonflies, although I have never known what they meant. So, when we all decided to get matching dragonfly tattoos it was simply because I love them and had always wanted one and the girls just agreed with it! So, I just looked up the meaning of dragonflies and here it is....I think it's pretty cool considering where we all came from and where we are headed!

Dragonfly symbolism crosses and combines with that of the butterfly and change. The dragonfly symbolizes going past self-created illusions that limit our growing and changing. Dragonflies are a symbol of the sense of self that comes with maturity. They symbolize change and being ok with it.

The Power of Prayer

2009-02-10T08:48:00.002-06:00

Let me start off by saying, jail is somewhere I NEVER thought I would end up. When I did, at first, I couldn't understand WHY God would do that to me and I was mad about it! The longer I sat there, I realized that there was a reason. What I didn't know is that there were SEVERAL reasons and some of them didn't even really have to do with me! I believe the first reason was so that I could come to terms with my addiction and get it under control. I spent 30 days in Pell City, I got put in a room with this girl named Robin. She and I didn't hit it off at first, see she had been locked up for like 8 months, there I am in her room crying like a 3 year old and it drove her crazy! But, a few days went by and we ended up becoming very good friends. She is probably without a doubt one of the very best friends I have ever had in my life. I know you're not supposed to make friends with people in jail, but first of all, not everyone in jail is bad. Robin and I would keep opposite schedules from everyone else, we slept all day and stayed up all night, it helped pass the time a lot faster. We tried to make all the other girls stay up at night too by singing Green Acres at the top of our lungs, or throwing domino's at the door, yeah sounds stupid but when you're there it's actually pretty funny! Then, both of us got transferred to Ashville because there was a girl that had one of the guards bring in a bunch of pills and we were the only ones that came up clean, so our reward *if that's what you call it* was to go to Ashville. It was supposed to be a much better place, better food, guards, more freedom. So, we went. Well, when we walked in, we both looked at each other and whispered, "what in the hell did we get ourselves into???" Robin had court the very next morning and she was released. So, there I was, in a new place and the one person I knew was leaving! Again, I cried like a baby, Robin promised I would be ok, but I simply did NOT believe her! I spent a couple of hours crying and then the youngest girl there Christy came over and helped me get all of my things and moved me over to their side of the dorm. So, I started to sleep in the bunk next to Pam, she was the mom of the dorm. Within a couple of days Pam, Christy and I started to become very close too. We would stay up at night in the bathroom talking, praying and reading our bibles. Pam was 42, then there was me at 31 and Christy was 21. They were quickly becoming the sisters that I never had and it was great. We cried together, laughed together, it was awesome! Then one Friday night this itty bitty girl, Emily,23, she was reason # 2 for me being in jail, walked in. She looked about 14. We started talking to her and she said she was from Etowah County, I asked her if she knew Robin and she did. She had been in SAPP (Substance Abuse Prevention Program) with her before. Well, in no time at all, the 4 of us were like sisters that had been together their entire lives! I guess it's easy to get that close when you spend 24/7 together. We kicked our church lady out because she kept insisting if women wear pants and cut their hair that they go to hell. So Emily became our bible study leader. We had awesome bible study time! Well, we decided that we were going to make a pact with each other. So, we promised each other that we would ALWAYS stay in contact and that if we saw one of us going down the wrong path that the rest of us would do everything in our power to bring that person back! Then, one night we all decided to get matching tattoos....we got dragonflies on our feet and in the wings we put peace signs because our initials put together are P.E.A.C. and we added an E for Eternity. I know, kind of sappy but you had to be in the moment, and none of us have regrets about it either! Then, unexpectedly, Christy's mom passed away one morning, which I know is the 3rd reason I was there. She was in TN and so Christy didn't get to go to the funeral. So, the P.E.A.C.E. Sisters stayed up several days and nights trying to bring a little comfort to her. We even held a memorial service in the bathroom. Well, Emily and Christy both got out and Pam and I were left alone. A few days later, I was released, but man it was hard to leave Pam there alone. But I left and promised her that I would help get her out and to Lovelady. I was calling and talking to Emily and Christy several times a week and finally Pam got to the Center December 11. Right after that we lost contact with both Christy and Emily. I wasn't worried about Emily because she "had it" she had been clean for a year and a half and she was solid in her faith. But, Christy on the other hand had gone back to TN, had just lost her mom and was living with her dad and sister who are both addicts. She was totally M.I.A. and we were certain she was using. We tried and tried to get in touch with her, I even called her probation officer to see if she could come here, but nothing ever came out of it. In the meantime, we sort of lost track of Emily, well, one day about a month ago, I called her cell. It was disconnected so I called Jeff, her fiance's phone. He informed me they were no longer together. Immediately I knew something was wrong. He said he didn't know how to reach her. Well, I couldn't reach her either. Pam and I started praying every day, both for Emily and Christy. One day last week, I decided I was going to call Jeff again, this man did not know me in any way, but I was going to plead with him to give me a number to reach her. I explained to him about our pact and that I knew something was wrong. He then told me everything, that she had relapsed and was shooting OC's again and was very bad off but was denying everything. He gave me her parents # but said they probably wouldn't let me speak to her. I called anyways and was allowed to talk to her. I didn't let on that I knew anything at all. I begged her to come visit us on Sunday and she said she would try, I was confident she wouldn't though, and I was right. Well, we kept praying and calling, she stopped taking our phone calls, then on Friday of this past week, I called her again, I put her on hold for a second and she hung up and then wouldn't take anymore phone calls. So, I prayed, then I called Jeff again. I asked him what I could possibly do to get her some help. He said he didn't believe she was interested. So, you know me, when I get something in my mind its OVER! I was DETERMINED to get Emily to the Center! He told me he would have her dad call me and we could try to talk to him about it. I was at work, yet I spent most of the day on my knees praying about the whole situation. Asking God for the right words to say, and wisdom in handling this extremely delicate situation. See, I knew that I couldn't approach her about getting help, because as an addict myself, I know that we just don't want to hear it. It usually has to come in our own time. But I knew that for Emily, this was not only a life and death situation, but she had a 10 split 18 (months) sentence, so if she got caught in trouble again, she will spend 10 years in prison. We're talking about a girl that's 23 and 5 ft. tall about 100 pounds! I was not going to give her up without a HUGE fight! Well, just before we left the office on Friday, Emily called my office phone. She was crying and told me she needed help and wanted to come to the Center on Monday. Without thinking, I told her she could! Jeff had gone over there and told her that we had spoken, and asked her if she would get help. She agreed! I knew WITHOUT A DOUBT that this whole situation was GOD! That all of the praying we had done was HEARD AND ANSWERED! I was on cloud 9, it was by far the GREATEST high I had ever experienced! It was amazing! So, then came the obstacle of money....you have to have a $350 intake fee when you come in. She simply didn't have it so I prayed some more, I knew God had plans for her and wanted her at the Center so I wasn't sweating it. I went up to see Amber (my client rep), she has known Emily for several years too, and we prayed. I knew it was going to work out. I got permission for her to come in with nothing, again, that was God! So, she arrived last night! It was one of the best reunions I've ever had! But, I was not at all prepared for Emily. See, even though I was addicted to pills, I haven't really been around hard core drug addicts. Emily was the light of our group, she was vibrant and could light up a room with her smile and laugh. Well, that's NOT the Emily that walked in last night. It broke my heart. I know she's in there and I KNOW God is working in her and she will return. We will NOT stop praying for her and I know God is listening to us. I guess my whole point of this LONG blog is I never really thought God answered prayers because I'd never really had it happen, but what I've realized is that most of the praying I've ever done has been selfish, asking, sometimes demanding things that I wanted. One of the biggest things I've learned through all of this is how to pray. So, God DOES answer prayers, I see it every day and it's an amazing beautiful thing to watch! So, I will keep praying for Emily and Christy and whoever else crosses my path. It's one of my favorite things to do now! Praise God!!!

My new Life

2009-02-09T09:49:00.003-06:00

I believe, at least for me, God speaks through music. At one of my LOWEST points this past summer, he brought this song that's playing to me. I listened to it over and over, the first 50 times, weeping like a baby. I continue to listen to it on a DAILY basis, usually more than once. It brings so much comfort to me and I just wanted to share it......

So I've been doing so much thinking lately. My life has turned out to be TOTALLY different than what I imagined it was going to be. I NEVER thought I would be where I'm at today. In some ways, I'm disappointed in the way I let my life get so out of control but on the other hand, there's a big part of me that thinks it happened because it was supposed to and all of these new things and people in my life were meant to be. I've learned SO much from the mistakes I have made and I continue to learn more new things on a daily basis. When I was 14 my whole world crumbled, my stable family that I had always had was no-more, that's when I met Shayne, he became my rock, my security blanket, his family became my new family, they took me in as if I was their own daughter and loved me like I was their own, sometimes better than their own. They were amazing parents that practically raised me from 14 to 30 ;) and I loved them too. The problem I've come to realize is that I didn't know how to accept that love and I did things to push them away and I guess in a way without realizing it, test them to see how far I could get and if they would still love me afterwards. They always did, and I kept on pushing and testing. I will forever regret things I put them all through and I will always love them regardless of if Shayne and I are together or not. I got married when I was 18 and immediately started my family. I wouldn't change that for the world, but I really thought it was going to be forever. It was good in the beginning, but somewhere along the line, I lost myself, I lost God and I lost sight of what I wanted out of my life, which in the beginning was to be a fabulous wife, mom and woman of God. I ended up being stuck in a horrible relationship and I knew it was horrible. I just couldn't...or wouldn't break free from it. I was great at giving all of my friends advice, even when it had to do with the same things I was struggling with, but I WOULD NOT listen to what I was telling them and apply it in my life! I guess maybe that's true for most people though. I spent years self medicating with prescription drugs to numb everything out. This choice I made, although I didn't really see it, was effecting EVERY area of my life, my family life was the area that suffered the most. I could never understand WHY my marriage could not be a success, I have finally discovered that by making the choice to numb out the bad things, I was also blocking the good things God had in store for me and my family from coming in! I finally left my marriage in May and decided that I needed to "find" myself, I ended up going "home" to Seattle where I thought all of my "friends" were for the summer. While I did have a couple of friends that were true friends, I discovered very quickly that I was ALONE. When the drugs were gone and the music had stopped, my so called friends were passed out and I was all alone! I would say "WOW, what a huge mistake" and in some ways it was, but I honestly don't think I would change most of it. If I wouldn't have done that, I wouldn't have ended up having some of the consequences I did, and by having those consequences I was forced to be honest with myself for the very first time in my adult life. So, I'm in this new chapter in my life, one that's so foreign to me, I call it my journey of self discovery, but I'm learning and changing and that's all I can ask for! God is AWESOME! I have been blessed to be placed at The Lovelady Center, I honestly cannot imagine being anywhere else at this point in my life. God REIGNS in that place, I feel him every day and I am SO thankful for that! I've seen a lot of girls there that don't learn this lesson end up taking it for granted. I promise you I will NOT! I lost a lot by making some of the choices I made, but I know one day things will be restored. I know God has huge plans for me, one of those plans I know is to stay at the Center beyond my graduation and help the other girls there. I know that is what I am called to do, without a doubt and I am SO excited about it!! God has shown me SO much favor thru this storm... I will always praise him for that. I still have struggles, but I just deal with them much differently than I did before! It feels AMAZING to experience things in this new world! I am determined to honor God every day for the rest of my life, if it weren't for Him, I would not be where I am today. And I have to say, I like the person I am now much more than who I was then. I am the only one who has the power to make that my life or just a season in my life, I'm SO happy I chose for it to be a season, even if it was a long season!